Cat Soccer ... With Lasers

Dr. Evil: Son? Did you do that for me? Did you give your old man ... Sharks ... with laser beams on their heads?

My kids -- Lord love 'em -- recently discovered some of the (non-military) pleasures of playing with solid-state keychain lasers (a pastime they enjoy, I hasten to add, only under strict parental supervision), and the concomitant pleasure of using these devices as cat-toys. Now, having mastered the fundamentals of driving a predator around as it attempts quixotically to capture a beam of coherent light (without the use of Bose-Einstein condensates or cryogenically-cooled semiconductor quantum wells -- see this article for more ways to stop and time-reverse a laser beam ... admittedly, none of these technologies are readily applied by cats), they've (the kids and the cats, I mean) begun to innovate -- inventing a domestic diversion that perfectly marries:

• Optical, semiconductor and quantum physics
• The fascinating study of complex, instinctual predatory behavior
• Couch-potatoism and video-gamism (i.e., this is a very physical game in which you, the "player," don't have to move), and
• The vicarious pleasure of professional sports (i.e., the real players -- your cats -- are vastly more physically-competent than even the best-conditioned professional athlete, and are marvelous fun to watch)

... to produce hours of family fun! Perfect for those long, aimless Thanksgiving-weekend afternoons.

The game is called "Cat Soccer with Lasers." To play it, you need:

• Two, $2.98 keychain lasers with batteries. (Important note: For (cat and human) safety, you should attenuate the lasers by turning the focusing-ring, or by smearing a little vaseline on the lens sufficient to defocus the beam to say, quarter-size at ten feet. You should also be careful to explain to children never to shine a laser, however briefly, directly into the eyes of cats or people. Play in a well-lit room to assure that pupils aren't dilated, rendering eyes more vulnerable to laser light. Really, both cats and humans should be wearing welder's goggles.
• At least two cats that get along with each other. Though larger prides (again, presuming that the cats get along) will doubtless increase the fun-quotient (and the property-damage quotient).
• Two sets of goalposts, made from cardboard boxes, tiny little kid-chairs, etc.
• A large rubber ball that's a) bouncy enough to move in an interesting way, when impacted by the body of a 6-9lb. cat moving at top speed, and b) light enough not to go through a window or the faceplate of a $4000 plasma TV, when this happens.

As the sport of Cat Soccer with Lasers becomes professionalized, I'm sure we'll have to formalize details such as composition of play-surface, size of playing field, etc. Meanwhile, however, any average livingroom will do for a playground. Note that the general level of insanity seems to increase by an order of magnitude when the game is played on a varnished hardwood floor.

The rules of Cat Soccer with Lasers are simple. Ball starts equidistant between the goalposts. Humans stand or sit wherever's comfortable. Cats are (as usual) wherever they want to be (which, sure, leads to some games being called on account of "nobody can find the cats," but I'm sure the owners of Manchester United don't have it any easier). Lasers are switched on simultaneously and pointed at the floor. Humans go "Here, kitty-kitty!" in the language of their choice and the game is on. (Another important note: Kids should be made to understand that all participation on the part of cats must be 100% voluntary.)

The idea (we know you've grasped this already, but just to formalize things) is to use the laser to induce one or both of the cats to impact the ball in such a way that it either a) goes between the goalposts, or b) doesn't, depending on whether it's your goal or the other kid's goal we're talking about. The international committee has ruled that cats -- lacking hands -- may use any part of their bodies to manipulate the ball in play.

Actual play (with our cats, anyway) is faster and more furious than the high speed digital snaps below might suggest. A full-on Cat Soccer with Lasers 'scrum' (nod to the Agile crowd) looks a little like the Tasmanian Devil in the old Warner cartoons: a blurred, spinning mass of fur, lithe bodies twisting at high speed through space, etc. Try to minimize the "slamming into furniture" part, if you possibly can.

The cats (our cats, anyway) will play this game happily until dinnertime, naptime, or perk-up-my-ears-and-walk-out-of-the-room-on-a-mission-from-the-Martian-overlords time -- whichever comes first. This translates to hours of fun (which should be followed by solid nutrition, adequate hydration, and 20-some-odd hours of sleep to keep players in top form).

Here are some pix from our first family Cat Soccer with Lasers World Cup.

Smokey sets up for a goal, and pauses, wondering where the laser beam has gone (note dot on head).

Smokey (center forward) and Bacca (goalie) face off: Defense!

Posted by John Jainschigg at 02:12 PM  Permalink